I really was in a shitty mood to begin with. My mom kept nagging. And no matter wat I do isnt good enough..as always. then I was also pissed at myself from last night. I was stupid and shit...and I dont even wanna talk about it.

Nik...hmmm....He wasnt in that great of a mood...but he still tried to cheer me up. It semi-worked. He got me to laugh, but it didnt help me feel better. And also to top things off I just started balling my eyes out on the phone with him. Alot was going through my head and I dont know I said something stupid and he semi got mad....it seemed like he was mad because again I screw everything up. He tried explaining that he wasnt mad but I think he was. My mind started wandering when I had to wash dishes and I just had one of those giant gut feelings that he didnt love me anymore, in the past whenever I had these feelings there were always right in one way or another. The first time me and Nik had ever broken up, when me and Mclemore broke up(with a mix of my grandfathers death, the first time then came my uncle on the second time)...both times. Then with Nik this past year...this year this feeling wont go away. I ignore it most days, but still I dont know I know I have anything to worry about. Nik isnt going to break up with me, I know that for a fact. It's Just I really dont know, I just get the feeling he might. And it really hurts....I already lost him so much that I dont want to lose him anymore.

Im just being stupid...but still I should have some reason why I should still worry...and this is it. I cant lose him anymore.

And like I found myself crying right before I started writing this because I realized something. Well I think anyway. But before I get in to that....Nik decided to tell me that he's friends with the bitch again(okayy I know its mean but thats who she is. And she just is...im just pissed at the moment). But..he decided to tell me they talked a couple times on the phone..but I shouldnt care anymore should I? I mean I dont....there friends, not me and her. I cant stand her anymore. Like seiously she came up to me to ask me a question and I got like the bottom of my stomach start to churn and shit I dont know I cant explain it. But anyway...Just when my mood was a little better and his mood was better. Like just that alone made me like uber upset...it shouldnt anymore right? I mean its Nik's friend, I cant tell him not to be friends with her. That just isnt me, I tell him I dont like it, I tell him why he shouldnt...but its his choice not mine....and I should just learn to accept it. No matter how much it hurts.

But what I found myself crying over was the fact...everytime me and Nik went out....he always chased her right after we would break up. He would come to me saying "oh I want a house and kids with her...she is the only one i ever see myself with"....but thats the past and that should stay in the past. All she ever do to him was bring his hopes up because all she would do to him was toy with him. Act like she liked him. I know for a fact she did at one point. She was gunna break up with her boyfriend at the time to go out with Nik. But she decided against it, because she and her boyfriend got "engaged". That lasted for about less than a month. And when Nik had the chance to finally be with her....she decided Nik was creeping her out. Saying how she wants nothing to do with him....all this she told to my face....at the time of this Nik was my best friend...wat nobody knew was that I secretly liked him. Then she found out. She was like dont go out with him...he doesnt need that right now. At that point I just wanted to slap her. She hurt Nik so many times by toying with his emotions because her boyfriend was 3000 miles away. How could she toy with someone and act like she knows whats best for him, I his best friend knew exactly what he needed....although I couldnt tell him that...he had to learn that him self...so every secret bout how she couldnt stand Nik, how he creeped her out, how she doesnt like him...was kept to myself because I couldnt stand to see Nik hurt...It hurt me to keep that.

Im finally happy for once in my life...with the guy I absolutely love....and I wanna tell him all this...I just I dont know if I can. I wanna tell him how being friends with her kills me...everytime I think about those two being friends makes me cry every time with all the bullshit shes dont to him not to mention me. I can never forgive her.

I just I dont see how you can act like someones best friend...toy with their emotions and when he's finally gotten over her she starts rumers about me and Nik? There rumers...but they still hurt...til this day im still being talked shit about at the high school yea it hurts but that wasnt as bad as wat she did. She was my friend....why would you say shit about your friends behind their backs? She also pointed the blame to someone who didnt start it. He's never lied to me...while she's lied the whole time while the three of us were friends. Tell me who am I supposed to believe. Her or someone whose never lied to me? Then come to find out...shes still spreding lies bout me...calling me a slut...tell me wat did I do to become a slut. Walk in the halls hand in hand with Nik? I love it how she can say she didnt say it, but her sister did...when I had 2 of my frinds who she told this, who came to me the same day at art society...on one of the worst day possible. I was already aggravated that day...hearing that made things worse.

Please I just I dont know...I guess I wanna hear boths sides....how I'm right I shouldnt tell this to Nik, and that I have a right not to be friends with her. But then again I wanna hear your own opinion of what you think. Even the part where I could be wrong....hmph...I dont know.

Right now I dont even know why Im saying all this...but it has helped..whether you read this or not...thanks for listening.